Closer To The Edge
by xana4
Summary: "You know I have to go." Kensi wants to slap him hard across the face, wants to tie him to a chair to make him stay, wants to call Hetty and reason with her. She chooses not to do any of it. Instead, she tries to pretend this isn't any different from all those other times she saw people walking out on her. "You don't, actually…" M for future chapters
1. Chapter 1

**Very Important AN: Dear beloved readers, I'm a terrible person. I've been so busy lately that I've had close to no time or patience to sit down and write. College does that to you. Not only college, I guess…having a boyfriend kind of helps. However, I'm only going back to school on October and my boyfriend (who is a firefighter) is spending his summer at the local firehouse and I'll only be with him a few hours per day. That means I'm back! This is a story that I've been working on for a while now and I really want to know what you guys think about it. Are my loyal readers still out there for me? Enjoy =)**

**Chapter 1**

There's something to be said about courage. Kensi Blye has never been considered someone without courage.

A guy with a gun pointed at her? It doesn't scare her.

A terrorist with quick trigger-fingers? It could be worse.

But this? This is having an effect on her she couldn't have predicted.

"You're leaving?" Her voice breaks, halfway through the short sentence, even as she tries her best to sound as strong as possible. Showing him her weakness is not exactly something she wants to do anytime soon. Yet, there's no way to hide it. Her eyes and voice betray her, she's sure of it.

He doesn't turn around, doesn't even look at her, as if the time it would take him to look her in the eye would be a waste of his precious time. And, damn, that hurts more than being stabbed. "You know I have to go."

Kensi wants to slap him hard across the face, wants to tie him to a chair to make him stay, wants to call Hetty and reason with her. She chooses not to do any of it. Instead, she tries to pretend this isn't any different from all those other times she saw people walking out on her. "You don't, actually…"

This time, Callen turns around sharply with an inquisitive look on his face, almost as if daring her to continue that sentence and end it the way she really wants to. They both know she's not fooling him and, at this point, it doesn't matter what she says next because he knows. He's known for a very long time. But he won't have it. He won't cave until he hears the words coming out of her mouth.

If she were capable of forming coherent thoughts, she would realize that what he wants is more than fair and that she's the one who's wrong. She's past that point, though. It's all about damage control, now. Unfortunately, that's something she's never been exceptionally good at.

Kensi doesn't give him the satisfaction and continues the previous sentence. "…but you want to."

He doesn't deny it, which breaks her more than watching him leave. He wants to leave. It's not like he couldn't say 'no' to this. It's not like Gibbs wouldn't understand if he said he didn't want to go work with him for the next two months. It's nothing like that. Callen actually wants to go. The words remain unspoken, much like everything else between them. They understand one another, even with no words.

Words are necessary, as Deeks and Sam have repeated to her several times before. She has to admit that talking would have helped before. There are situations, however, in which talking is not positive. In this situation, words would only hurt more.

Callen shrugs, making no big deal out of it, and keeps on finishing the last few pieces of his paperwork, his eyes not looking at her. "I'll be back. You know I always come back."

Those words do nothing to calm her down.

This is no big deal to him and the coolness of his voice demonstrates just that. And, really, why should it be a big deal? Whatever happened between them was strictly physical. He said so himself.

She wishes she could act that cool. It would keep her from embarrassing herself as she's doing right now.

And, if she's being completely honest with herself, this is her fault…

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_He's next to her, his breathing heavy after the recent 'workout'. _

_It was anything but casual, today. To her, it felt like a goodbye. To him, it felt like she was angry and eager to take it down on him. He welcomed her anger because it didn't make for a bad night. Even angry, Kensi is an amazing lover. _

_His naked body is a sight she has yet to get tired of but tonight she doesn't run her fingers through every inch of exposed skin, to cool him down like she always does. Tonight is different and he feels it._

_After he's cooler and his breathing under control, Callen breaks the silence. "Is there anything you want to say?"_

_Kensi shrugs, anger starting to grow inside of her. "I don't think my opinion matters."_

_Callen takes a deep breath, not fully believing he's trying to make her say the words. For some reason, he wants her to say them. He wants to hear them before he leaves. Yet, he should now that's a lost battle. "I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked if there was anything you wanted to say."_

_The sudden urge to punch him makes her get up from the bed and pick up her discarded clothes from the floor of his bedroom. "I shouldn't have come here."_

_Callen has the nerve to laugh, without getting up from the bed. Later, he'll realize that laughter came out as a mock, not as the light-hearted laugh he intended. "You say the same thing every single time…yet, you keep coming back."_

_With her pants already on and her bra quickly following, she sends him a glare he doesn't quite see because of the darkness of the room. Yet, he somewhat feels it. "Maybe I won't come back anymore. It's clear I'm nothing but a stress relief for you!"_

_That does it and, before she knows it, he's on his feet, pissed off. He grabs her upper arms with more force than necessary and resists the urge to shake her, to see if she wakes up and sees what's right in front of her. He knows she can take the pressure. "If that's what you think, don't expect me to bend over backwards to change your mind."_

_They're both yelling at this point but with no neighbors to hear, they're both way past caring. "Well, excuse me if I think it's a crappy move to wait until I'm here to tell me you're leaving tomorrow for two whole months. It's like the past year meant nothing to you!"_

_He wants to tell her. He really does. But he can't be the first one to admit anything. It's not part of who he is. He lets go of her, anger rising and making him lose control of his words and actions. "What did you expect? Was I supposed to call you the second I found out I was leaving?"_

"_I didn't have to be the first person to find out but I don't think it would be too much to ask not to be the last one!"_

_Callen is, like her, fully dressed at this point, anger showing on his expression. "If it makes you feel better, Deeks doesn't know yet."_

_They're close to his door now and, even though his brain is yelling at him not to let her walk out, he's not listening. He does nothing to stop her. "Yes, because comparing the woman you've been having sex with for a year with Deeks is completely normal!"_

_And then he says the words that change everything. "It's just sex!"_

_Kensi looks like he hit her and then there's silence. _

_Callen doesn't move, doesn't say another word. He knows he shouldn't have said what he said but he's too damn proud to take it back. And, even if he wasn't, he's too shocked to say anything. _

_Kensi gathers her things and walks out, without saying another word. But, as she gets to his front door, she turns back and throws one last one._

"_Have a safe trip and don't worry…I won't be coming back."_

_And then the door is closed._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Callen finishes everything, grabs his things and gets up.

Before he leaves, she looks around to make sure there's no one around. "I meant what I said…I won't come back."

Callen gives her a smile and walks to her. He grabs her chin to make her look him in the eye before speaking, to make sure she sees the truth behind his words. "Yes, you will…you'll come back because you always do. You'll come back because I always come back too…and it's not because of Hetty's sunny smile. Be safe, Kensi."

As he walks out, he hopes that, for once, she will listen and actually stay safe. He sure as hell doesn't want anything to happen to her, much less while he's gone. Much less when there's so much left unsaid.

She doesn't say another word and neither does he. There's nothing left to say…for now.

**What do you think about this story?  
Much love,  
Sarah**

**P.S. To all the Kensi/Deeks fans out there, I'm working on something for them too. Keep a close eye on my updates. **


	2. Chapter 2

_**Dear readers,**_

_**I've been trying to find the right words to write this "letter" for the past few days. I'm not sure if I found them quite yet but this must be written, one way or another.**_

_**Unfortunately, I won't be updating this story. Also, I won't start any new multi-chapter stories any time soon. I'm going to do my best to explain exactly why.**_

_**Last April I found out I was dealing with a disease. Now, I won't be saying much about it here but I will answer to private messages in case any of you wants to know more about this. The only thing I'm going to say here is that this drained my energies for a while and gave me mood swings, shortness of breath and other fun things. **_

_**Joining that disease came the fact that I'm still a full-time college student with a family and a boyfriend that deserve my attention. **_

_**I tried my best to come back to fanfiction because you guys, the ones who have been following me for a while, know me and know that fanfiction has been a way for me to unwind. I've been here for many years now and all this, all of you, helped me get through many things in my life.**_

_**However, I feel like it's time to say a "see you later" to all of you. I will be dropping by, every once in a while, to leave a one-shot, just to remind you all that I exist.**_

_**To my faithful readers, thank you for all your love and support.**_

_**To the friends I made here, thank you for being there for me through everything.**_

_**To the occasional readers, thank you for reading my stories.**_

_**Trust me when I say that all of you mean more to me than what I can put into words. **_

_**I will do my best to answer to reviews or private messages regarding this issue as soon as possible. I would also like to stay in touch so to those of you who are interested PM me. **_

_**Love,**_

_**Sarah**_


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